The Artful Apologizer
The Importance of an Artful Apology
Apologies are necessary in every relationship to free us from dismal feelings of shame and guilt. However, apologies by executives on behalf of themselves or their organizations are increasingly more important with the added visibility of social media coverage.
Failing to apologize can diminish and eventually dissolve a relationship, but timely apologies can create goodwill and repair damage. Similarly, a poorly constructed or delivered apology can further inflame the unsettled nature of the relationship. While we will all need to apologize at some point in our lives, few of us are truly experienced at the skill given the sporadic need to do so. Apologizing requires a great deal of mental preparation and emotional energy. Saying “sorry” may not be enough to remedy the situation. Rectifying the wrong done and involving the offended in the repair goes a long way in accomplishing the goal of an apology.
“For an apology to be successful, it needs to admit a mistake and take ownership of it, describe what a leader is going to do to fix it and explain why it won’t happen again” - Paul Argenti, professor at Dartmouth College’s Tuck School of Business
The Art of an Apology
Leaders must be truthful in their apology without qualifying the response to convey trust, transparency, and a commitment to change. This requires courageous authenticity, especially in today’s highly visible online climate.
A good apology contains four elements:
Acknowledgement of the offense
An honest explanation of what happened without excuses
Expression of transparent remorse
An offer to make amends
Apologies begin with a verbal acknowledgement of ownership that an offense has occurred. This is the “I’m sorry” moment and allows the offender the opportunity to signal that he or she desires to improve. Vague, passive apologies that do not take responsibility for a specific offense are ineffective and can often lead to pushing the blame back on the individual who was wronged.
Once the apology has been initiated, the recipient has the option to forgive and show gratitude for the apology or reject the apology to punish the offender, however this often makes the situation worse and difficult to move forward. If the apology is accepted, the relationship can begin anew without grudges or harbored resentment that can accumulate and become fuel for broken relationships.
The following suggestions are recommended for successful apologies:
Apologize as soon as possible. Delays create grudges and accumulate discord, making a delayed apology more difficult to give and accept.
Take responsibility for your error without excuses. Excuses are rarely accepted and can often leave the offended party feeling as if he or she was not heard or worse, being thought to carry fault.
Ask the offended how the event affected them. This validates their feelings and helps you learn how they think, and function so future issues can be avoided.
Show remorse, but it must be genuine remorse. If you do not feel remorse, you may not be ready to apologize.
Offer to make amends. Discuss what that may look like with the offended.
Do not go into the apology expecting to be forgiven. An apology is about doing the right thing, rather than making you feel better.
Compassionate communication is needed to make an artful apology effective, just as it takes both the offender and the offended to repair the situation. After the apology, know that the offended party has the right to not grant forgiveness, but you can still move forward, having done the right thing. Repairing the relationship may take time, but a good apology is the place to start.